Can't Forgive And I've Lost A Lot!

by Ana
(Chicago IL)

I've dated my boyfriend for 4 years. I was divorced with 4 children. I attempted to have a child with this man through an invitro process.

After losing the pregnancy we continued the relationship. He legally married me and 6 months after that he told me he couldn't stay with me because I had a past and children. He left me two years ago. For a year, we continued to see each other on and off. I loved him but he had told me he didn't want to be with me in a relationship.

A year after he left me, I met someone else, started a relationship and was intimate with this person. Now two years later he wants to come back and pick up where he left off and expects me to forget.

He uses against me the relationship I had after he left me. He constantly tells me he put up with knowing I was with another man. During the 4 year relationship, he neglected me, humilitated me and still I held on, even attempted having a child.

I don't trust him, I question him a lot and check his phone. This causes arguments but I can't forgive and forget that I gave him a lot the 1st time around and he pushed me to the side. What to do?

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Ana, and thanks for telling your story here. I think the reason you can't forgive and forget is that it would be unhealthy and unwise to do so. After this man rejected you the way he did, you are justified in not trusting him. What assurance do you have that he won't do it again?


You didn't mention whether you're still married to him or not. Either way, you may want to strongly consider bringing that relationship to a final end. The only exception to this being, 1) if you really, truly love and respect him as a person and 2) if you know for a fact that he has had some therapy to deal with the reason he abandoned you.

It has to be your decision, of course. It's your life and your relationship. The following pages will help you sort out your feelings and decide what you need to do. Read them and follow the recommended exercises of journaling and imagery, and I think it will really help you.

quotes on relationships
relationship advice
letting go of a relationship

If you decide to stay with him, I suggest that you both read the book, Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix, and do all of the exercises in the book together.

Above all, make up your mind that your own personal well being will take priority over the needs and feelings of any man in your life. This is an essential first step to any healthy relationship.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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