How To Stop Bullying
By Teaching Empathy Skills

You will find help with the bullying problem here if...

1. You are a parent concerned about your child being victimized
2. You are a parent whose child is or may be a bully
3. You are a teacher, counselor or school official who wants to help with the problem of inappropriate aggression in your school
4. You're getting picked on--and you want it to stop!
5. You think you may have a problem--Do you want to stop picking on other kids?

You might be totally sure your child is a victim, but some kids have a hard time talking about this kind of thing. Just in case, here are some signs that your child might be a victim of bullying:

• You notice a sudden change in their behavior, such as...
• They are quieter than usual
• They seem depressed
• They won't talk, or talk less than usual
• They don't want to go to school (more than usual)
• They mention to you that they "don't like" someone at school

Of course if your child comes right out and tells you about bullying at their school or in your neighborhood, then you know for sure. Just be sure you believe them!

Here are some questions to ask your child, if you're not sure:

• "Is someone being mean to you?"
• "Does it seem like some of the children don't like you?"
• "Is one of the kids at school picking on you?"
• "Do you feel safe at school?"

In order to make your child comfortable enough to tell you what's going on, you might want to try these nonverbal communication skills to put them at ease.

Depending on what your child tells you, you might want to:

• Encourage your child with words like, "I'm glad you told me this is happening. I'm sorry you got hurt and scared. I'm going to help you with this, and we will figure something out. You're strong and smart, and I believe in you. You're going to be able to deal with this so that it doesn't keep on happening to you. I'll stick with you until the problem is solved."
• If your child seems too passive and lacks self-confidence, he may need to develop some healthy anger skills. This CD program will help you to help him in coming up with the inner strength, confidence and healthy anger he needs in order to stand up for himself.
• It is important to teach your child empathy skills. The best way to do that is to practice the conflict resolution skills you will find on this page with your child until she is comfortable using them in a variety of situations. When you look at those conflict resolution skills, you will see that the empathy component is when the Responder is doing steps 2. and 3. in the process. For your convenience, those steps are:

  Empathy Skills 2. Showing Empathy and Validation: Accept the validity of your partner’s feelings regardless of whether you agree with them. (“When I put myself in your shoes, I can see why you would feel that way.”) and 3. Expressing Understanding: Indicate understanding of what your partner is experiencing. (“I think I can see where you’re coming from.” “I see what you mean.”)

  Teach your child to use these skills in actual bullying situations by role playing what happens when they are being bullied. Be playful and have fun with this. If it gets too serious, you will lose your child's interest. You might want to get your other children involved, or some of your child's friends, and have fun with it! You can also refer your child to this web site specifically for kids so they can learn on their own and maybe connect with some other kids for help.

• Learn about some of the excellent information, help and support available on understanding, treating and preventing inappropriate aggression between children. It is your job as a parent to be educated and aware, so that you can provide the best possible support for your child. Children can be seriously injured physically or damaged emotionally by bullying, and you are their best bet for protection!
• Talk to his teacher, counselor or school principal about the bullying that's going on. If you do this, be sure to manage your own anger with these anger management techniques first, so that you don't create a new problem instead of solving the old one. If the school official is defensive, you might want to use reflective listening, or try the conflict resolution skills you will find on this page. It is essential not to accuse, criticize of attack the school representative--they are usually underpaid and overworked, and kindness will work a lot better! In other words, don't be a bully yourself. You might benefit from from these quotes on forgiveness.

The most important thing for you to remember as a parent of a child who is being bullied is that you can't solve this problem by yourself, and your child needs to know they are not alone either. Think of it as a team approach, including you, hopefully your spouse, your child and a teacher, counselor official from your child's school.

Good for you for taking this action! A lot of time parents of bullies are guilty of neglecting their children, or worse, encouraging their bullying. That's not you! You don't want your child to be a bully--you know it's bad for your child as well as those they are picking on.

In his book, Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman found in his research that bullies don't have empathy for their victims. The good news is that when they learn empathy--that is when they learn to accurately read the emotions of other children, they no longer pick on them. He and his researchers found that children who bully usually think other children don't like them, and they are secretly afraid and hurt. Learning good social skills can be key to stopping the problem of bullying. Check out these excellent web sites, where you and your child can learn the necessary skills and get lots of support in the process.

Here are some actions you can take to help your child stop bullying:

• Teach your child good anger management skills. This is absolutely essential for you as a parent of a child who is bullying other children. You are smart and strong enough to take the action to read this, so get even stronger and smarter so you can get the job done once and for all!
• Read this valuable information on child anger management, and this information that will help you understand the causes of anger management problems in children. The more information and understanding you have, the better equipped you will be to help your child.
• If your child is an adolescent, read this important information now! You absolutely must understand what adolescence means, and how anger fits naturally with adolescence. These CDs will make it all very clear, and give you what you need to help your child manage their anger and aggression.
• One of the most helpful things a parent can do for their teenage son or daughter is create a Rites of Passage ceremony to honor their transition into adulthood. Preview Adolescent Rites of Passage: Honoring the Transitions from Childhood to Adulthood now, and find out how you can do a little that will help a lot!
• For all of the help and resources you will ever need to help your child, go to these links and join with other parents who have had similar problems.

Above all, be sure to communicate to your child that they are not bad! It is their behavior that is the problem, and there is a solution. Bullies are not happy kids, and you have what it takes to help!

You deserve a medal! Not only are you a professional who has dedicated your life's work to educating our children, you are interested enough in them to help with the bullying problem. Fortunately, there are many wonderful resources to help you in dealing with the problem of aggression, violence and victimization in your school.

By the way, it will also be helpful for you to read this information on preventing school violence as a part of your effort.

As a concerned professional, you will do well to focus on these considerations:

• You are not alone in your efforts to help children. Reach out to the many other concerned and caring people such as yourself who are working diligently to make our schools and neighborhoods safe.
• It is also very important that you understand that anger is a healthy emotion and that it is aggression, confusion, and emotional disturbance that we are dealing with in bullies and their victims. Your students need to learn about how to forgive and how to heal their anger so that it can be used in productive ways. Healthy anger fuels effective action!
• The communication skills necessary for confict resolution need to be taught in your school as a regular part of your curriculum. You will find a basic outline of these communication skills on this page. Learn these skills yourself, and see if you can find a way to regularly and consistently teach them to your students. They include empathy and reflective listening, which are powerful tools for bullies and their vicims to learn, which will help them overcome their problems.
• It is also essential that you manage your own anger, so that you don't add to the problems in your school. If this is a serious problem for you, and you find yourself afraid, irritated and angry a lot of the time, check out these books, these CD programs, and these counseling services.
• And finally, to be an excellent educator, you need to become a Goodfinder, so that you are looking at your students' assets, strengths and good qualities and not their problems all of the time! Learn more at Goodfinding.com. Your students need you to believe in them!

And in conclusion, remember that you are a hero, a champion, and a role model to our citizens of tomorrow--perhaps moreso than you have ever dreamed! So, take really good care of yourself, and learn to find peace in your soul.

We need you!

You may not feel like it, but you are strong and smart! How do I know that? Because you are strong and smart enough to be right here reading this and taking action to solve your problem!

You are not alone.

There are millions of other kids just like you, who want to feel safe at school or in their neighborhoods. All you have to do is reach out, and the help is there! I'm going to give you some great links to follow to get help, but first I want you to know these things about yourself:

• You are a lot more powerful than you know. It has nothing to do with your size, your physical strength, or your ability to fight. You are powerful in your ability to learn and love. That's right. That is what makes you (or anybody) truly powerful. And you've got what it takes to take care of your bullying problem!
• You might feel weak and helpless, but you're not. That's why you're here, reading this! You are taking effective action to solve your problem, and that is healthy anger!
• By the way, if you're worried about school violence, check out this information.
• You've got an internal protector who really wants to take care of you and keep you safe. That internal protector is your healthy anger! As you learn to create and develop your own healthy anger, you will become more powerful than you ever dreamed--in a good way that doesn't hurt anyone! Learn more about healthy anger here.

Here are some great web sites that will give you all of the information, support and help you need:

• Bullies To Buddies
• Help For Kids
• Stop Bullying Now
• Youth Violence Prevention

What you're doing right now takes a lot of guts! You've got the courage and good sense to take responsibility for your own actions and try to stop your bullying behavior. Good for you!

But this is just the beginning. Here is what you need to do:

• Learn about how to manage your anger and aggression and how you can develop healthy anger that doesn't hurt anyone!
• Develop empathy skills that will solve your bullying problem once and for all! Learn and practice the conflict resolution skills you will find on this page. Find a friend or a counselor to help you, and role play with them until you have mastered these skills. This will teach you the skill of empathy, which is the cure for bullying!
• Recognize that you are a good person, deep down inside. You really don't want to hurt anyone, you just want to connect with them. Picking on someone is a definite way of connecting, but it doesn't work well at all--for you or for your victim! You are here, reading this because you are a good person, and you want to change because you are good, and now all you have to do is take the action of learning and mastering these skills!
• There are a lot of people who want to help you! You are not alone, and you are not bad. Go to these web sites and you will find tons of helpful kids and folks who understand and know what to do.

Thanks for taking this time to help yourself! When you help you, you're helping everybody you know. Keep looking and learning!