Big Snow Ball Rolling Downhill

by Lesley
(Kingston, ON)

My spouse just recently lost his father and is having a hard time with this, and on top of all that he has anger control issues and it has gotten worse sine the passing of his father. AND now on top of all this his mother is trying to get over her loss of a husband and is looking for a new "friend" and my husband is so angry about this.

So overall its a huge mess and I don't know what to do about this. When I can I try and talk to him but he doesn't like to talk about everything with me and wants outside help. But he doesn't want to seek groups, and as soon as someone says something he doesn't like he will leave and never go back, so it's something that has to be eased into.

But when I can get close to him when he is angry--without getting in front of a flying object--I try rubbing his head or back, which tends to help. But this isn't always possible.

Sometimes before I can get to him he has ruined the apartment and has left to drive like a crazy person. I'm worried he is going to get hurt and hurt others which is not ok with me.

What do I do? Where do I start? Is there a fix?

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Leslie, and thanks for telling your story here. I know it must be very difficult in your situation. You love your husband, want to help him, and yet there is only so much you can do. The rest is up to him.

It is good for you to trust him and believe the best of him. It is great that he wants to seek outside help. Be appreciative of that, and accept the fact that you can't be his therapist. There is a fix, but it has to come from him.

Worrying about him and fearing "the worst" is difficult to avoid, but certainly not helpful to you or him. When you are successful at believing the best of him, it will lower your stress and improve the feelings you bring to the relationship.

Take a look at our FAQ page on this subject, and follow those recommendations. You are not alone. Many people face and deal with this type of situation.

Focus on yourself and the quality of your own life.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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