Angry Angry Angry

by Anonymous

My husband has ADD and needs a lot of routines and sleep. If he gets angry he will yell and call me names. I do not put up with it at all and I want to know if this is the right move. He gets grumpy and is very degrading. He will say he only gets angry because I make him angry. He will actually break things. I hate him when he is like this.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hi. Thanks for your question. I think a lot of people wonder about this type of situation, and will benefit from reading.

1) First of all, it is not a good idea to get mad at your husband for getting mad. That will only make it worse. I'm sure you feel justified for your anger, and you probably are justified in feeling angry. The thing is, you also want to be smart and healthy. When you get mad at him for being angry, you are literally adding fuel to his fire. It will get you nowhere, even though it might make you feel powerful while you're venting your anger on him.



2) Some other things you might try are: a) Not talking when he or you are angry. It just won't get you anywhere, because you can't communicate when you're extremely angry. b) Walk away and go to another room, or for a walk outside until he and you cool down. c) Tell him you love him and you love yourself, so you're not going to try to communicate when this kind of anger and degrading behavior is going on.

3) Try some or all of the communication skills for conflict resolution you find on this page. Even if he won't read them or try them, you can practice the reflective listening and empathy parts and that will definitely help. It will help you to stay calmer, and it might help him to be calmer as well.

4) Practice these anger management techniques over and over, and it will also help.

I wish you all the best in your marriage and your life.

Dr. DeFoore

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