Angry 9 Year Old

by Anonymous

My nine year old is so angry and I don't know why. He attacks his little brother with intent to hurt him. He also got so angry at school that he threw chairs and shoes at his principal and counselor.

He has no desire to have friends, and gets mad when other kids are having fun. They ask him to play and he just yells at them. I am taking him to therapy every week and had him tested for multiple things. I'm still waiting on results, but I dont know what to do while we are waiting.

He is beyond out of control. My 7 year old is so afraid of his brother he stopped sleeping in the same room. Please help!

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for telling your story here so that others may benefit. I can tell your problem is very challenging with your nine year old. I'm glad you're having him tested, because you want to know for sure what is going on and how best to treat his problem.

It sounds like your son is mis-reading the cues from the world around him. That can be very troubling for a child, and can often give rise to these types of anger problems.

In order to help you, I would need to know more about you, your family, and your child's history. My approach to working with children is always in the form of family therapy. If you're in the Dallas area, I would be happy to meet with you and your child and other family members at my office. If you're interested, call 214-764-7930 to schedule a session or to ask any questions.

Beyond what I have suggested on my child anger management page, I'm not going to be able to offer you much more help here. If you have not already done so, read that page in complete detail, and try the methods recommended there.

I do encourage you to try the "holding" technique described below:

"If your child is small enough, you might want to try holding her during anger episodes or temper tantrums. This has been found to be highly effective in many cases. It provides loving, powerful and safe boundaries when the child is feeling out of control. The message is, "I'm here. I'm not going to leave you. I'm not going to hurt you, and I won't let you hurt yourself or anyone else. I'm going to hold you until you feel safe again." Here are some recommendations to make this child anger management procedure safe and successful:


* If you are extremely afraid or angry yourself, do not try this technique. Your emotions will feed the child's anger and fear and make the situation worse.

* If you feel comfortable doing so, hold the child from behind, ideally with him sitting in your lap. Protect your face in case he tosses his head back toward you. The goal is for no one to get hurt.

* You need to feel and communicate both love and power in your embrace. Strong but not too strong, relaxed but not too relaxed. This lets the child know you are in charge, that you love her and can and will protect her.

* Be ready and willing to devote some time to this. If you don't complete the process, you may do more harm than good. Hold the child, and wait until he calms down and relaxes. Often he might cry or even fall asleep as the anger subsides.

* When you use this child anger management technique, you are communicating love, acceptance, safety, protection and power all at the same time."

You might also want to get a copy of Helping Your Children With Their Anger.

I wish you success in helping your child.

Let me know if I can be of further service.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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