Anger Management In My Household

by Anonymous

I live with my boyfriend and our 2 dogs. We have a pretty good life. We love each other very much. I think when we are good in our relationship we are great but when we fight, things can escalate fairly quickly.

When we fight or argue one always tries to get louder than the other. He usually gets really mean with his words and offensive. Even though he says he doesn't mean it, in the moments of anger I believe them and they hurt me to the point where I want to hurt him so I say things that I know will get him upset.

Once this happens he has gotten violent. He will start by punching a door or a wall or something in his way. But when he knows he has crossed that line he gets more upset where he feels guilty and gets even more angry and blames it on me. Which I think I partially had a part on him getting this upset.

But when he feels it's my fault I have seen an anger in his face and sometime he has grabbed me by the neck and hurt me physically. But again once he realizes he has hit another level, he crashes down and starts asking for forgiveness.

I don't know what to do. I love him and I truly believe he is not that person and want to help him overcome this anger that sometimes takes over him. I just don't know how.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. I'm glad you're reaching out for help here, as your situation sounds serious, and dangerous.

I know you love your boyfriend, and you see the good in him. I'm sure he's a good person inside, as you are. The issue here is that he is losing conscious control of his emotions and his actions, putting you at risk. You have to protect yourself, and you cannot solve his problems for him...he has to decide to help himself.


I strongly encourage you to read the following pages, which will help you understand your role in the relationship, and give you some guidelines about what you can do:

how to deal with abusive relationships
battered wife syndrome
letting go of a relationship

I encourage you to learn about nurturing your inner child, and ways that you can love and care for yourself.

If your boyfriend is open to it, he can begin working on his anger using the guidelines on this FAQ page. And if the two of you can agree to do it and follow through, I suggest that you read Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples and do all of the exercises together. This will really help your relationship.

Focus on yourself, your safety and your well being. Once you feel confident that you're safe, then offer what you can to your boyfriend.

If you don't take care of yourself, no one can.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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