Anger And Denial And I Can't Decide What To Do

by Chrys
(Montreal, Canada)

Hi there. I've been with my boyfriend now for 10 months, and just two months ago moved into his place. We are really great together, we joke and laugh more than I ever thought was possible with a boyfriend. Our sense of humors click, along with many other characteristic. We were happy.

Now I'm 26, he's 36, the age difference was never an issue with us before, but now I'm starting to wonder why someone 10 years older than me still has no many anger issues. My boyfriend suffers from social anxiety, as do I, I started taking Celexa a year ago, and it has changed my world around! I'm so much calmer and happier to be living anxiety free, and for the first time in my life I feel like I'm actually making proper decisions, and not making decisions built on fear.


He saw how much I've changed for the better, so he spoke with his doc about the same issue he has, and started on them as well 3 months ago. I don't know if him snapping on me is due to these pills, or now I'm only to start to know him.

He tells me stories of how much his father would snap on him and his brother growing up, he's very angry towards his father and says "I never want to be like him", although I'm now seeing their tempers might be the same after all. He also stopped speaking to his older brother a few years back because, as he says, "I see so much of my father in him, it scares me", and his brother was diagnosed with Bipolar.

Now, back to my problem...Recently we have been getting into many more arguments than before, and when he snaps he snaps. I can see he has zero control, so far he's made comments telling me - “You're a whore, you're f__ed in the head, you need to get checked, go cry to your shrink, you live in a dream world, your two faced", along with “Shut the f__ up, f__ off,” etc.

Am I perfect? Of course not. Yes there are times I have said something to upset him first like "Are you even listening to me!?" set him off last night. But what's scary, is when I try and speak with him when we are calm, he tells me that I'm unstable, and he says "So what!" when I bring up the mean comments he makes.

How can be such a nice person, caring and even good-hearted, turn into this man? And no matter what, he will never apologize for anything, and he will never even take 1% of the responsibility in the fight.

Does this mean he just has zero respect for me or women? I feel that maybe the times he knows he might be wrong, he gets even more angry and blames me more. I can't win either way, he tells me how I'm damaging the relationship and how I always make him take a step back.

He's looking for a girl to make his life "easier", and I do the opposite because I try and stand up for myself and call him out on what he says is wrong. I love him, but I'm losing my patience. But is it that we are not meant to be together, or would he have these anger issues with other women and not just me?

I want to do everything I possibly can to make this work! And objective opinions are needed. Remember, I'm not claiming I'm perfect. But does a simple argument need to be escalated that much to call me down like that?

Help please!

Thanks




Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Chrys, and thanks for telling your story here. Nothing justifies abuse in a relationship, and the things you say that your boyfriend is saying to you are abusive. Until he takes responsibility for his part, this is likely to continue.

As for your part, I encourage you to seek counseling for yourself as well. From what you’ve written here, I can’t tell if this relationship is salvageable or not. You will have to determine that in your own mind and heart.

I do want to say to you, Chrys, that you are worthy of respect, kindness, care and love in all of your relationships. Make up your mind that you will be treated with respect, and make every effort to be respectful to your boyfriend at all times. When he or you is no longer being respectful in communication, remove yourself temporarily, and if it continues, you may need to consider removing yourself permanently from the relationship.

Read this article on letting go of a relationship, and see if it applies to your situation.

Be good to yourself, Chrys. Make up your mind to create a positive, healthy life for yourself, and take steps every day to make it happen.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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