An Old Abuser That Won't Let Go

by Anonymous

I have heard it said that "Nothing Unreal Exists" and that it is our feelings that will tell us if something is real.

I feel in my body, my emotions, and my mind the feelings of being berated by an obese woman who is very intelligent and dominating. Even though it would seem that some part of me would love to ragefully choke the life out of her and with this feeling I know that I would have some sort of release and freedom, another part of me feels helpless to stop the domination. It feels that if I were to do what I wanted to do, in the end it just wouldn't matter. This of course just leaves me in the position of being dominated by this nasty woman who seems to derive so much pleasure out of dominating me. I also feel so old and I lack life and energy.

To me it feels as if she is so enmeshed with me that my body actually begins to feel as huge as she is. I begin to feel slovenly with no desire to do anything but sit in the house and eat. I feel as if she doesn't want me to succeed at anything and in fact she doesn't want me to be happy in any way. She wishes me to fail in my marriage, at work, to stop my creative energies, to be unhealthy, and to be generally miserable and unhappy in this life to the point of just killing myself. It would be the only way that I might get away from her. She wishes me to be alone in some small room with no friends and no contacts.

I feel as if she is actually grabbing my left bicept while fondling my penis and poking my anus. There is also the feeling of her being in my face and disgustingly slobbering and licking my face. When she is with me I hate most people, feel superior, and want to degrade women. Also, when she is with me, I feel almost completely in my head. There seems to be the total avoidance of feeling my feelings but it does seem as if there is an intense reservior of emotions behind it.

I don't always feel this feeling but it is with me a lot. I notice it with me at night as I try to go to sleep. My body actually reacts to it as if it is being sexually acted upon. In the end it leaves me stressed and tired.

This woman is a very well versed manipulator that seems to be filled with rage.

I have been told that I am very sensitive to the emotions of others but I am not sure if this is some type of memory, if this is something that I am sensing today or if it some combination of the two.

This is real. I am feeling this.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Yes, you are feeling this, and that makes it real. It is certainly real for you. I'm glad you wrote this, because I think there are others who have similar experiences, and have no idea of what to do about it.

Here are some possibilities to consider:

1) This or something close to it actually happened to you. Trust that you will know if it did, and that you can heal no matter what.
2) This is your brilliant subconscious mind's way of helping you to heal, and the actual abuser is a symbol of several things that actually happened to you.

Just consider those possibilities--you don't have to know for sure for what happened or didn't happen in order to heal.

This imagery activates the inner victim in you. That's why it feels helpless and hopeless. It's not, it just feels that way. That's also why you feel old and low energy. This will pass.

Here are some exercises you can try:

1) Do some anger work, as described in my book Anger, while saying "Get off me!" to the abuser.
2) Then imagine yourself as a strong, healthy adult going and removing the woman from the little boy (from your description it seems like you're a child when this is happening). Then nurture and care for the child.

Something tells me that the above may or may not work for you. Here is another way of working with this:

1) Imagine that you are the abuser yourself. Go through the physical motions of what she is doing to the child, as if you were her.
2) The rationale behind this is that the abuser exists as a part of your body/mind, and when you "act it out" in this type of exercise, you are reclaiming that mental territory as your own.
3) As you do this, try to feel the feelings of the abuser, then release them, knowing that that is not what you choose to be.
4) Then go to the child image, and once again, nurture and care for the child as a healthy loving parent would.

Also, until this is resolved, try journaling from the abuser and the victim on a daily basis, or at least a few times a week. This helps you to bring the unconsciousness into consciousness and facilitates the healing.

Finally, consider that this all holds a gift for you, and will pass when you fully realize and receive the gift. Journal about what you think the gift is. This feeling of being abused is a part of your body/mind's efforts to heal itself. Trust that, and trust yourself.

I wish you all the best on your healing journey.

Feel free to write and follow up with this if you like.

Dr. DeFoore