A Walk Through Hell

by Abby
(Australia)

I believe that this world is all about a walk through living hell. It started for me as a baby. I remember it. I remember being lifted up as a tiny wee thing with my mother's fingers digging as hard as she could into my kidneys. I remember that all I could do was open my eyes as wide as possible in terror and agony. She used to say later "right in the kidneys, where it hurts."

I remember her holding me over her knee. She was kneeling down with one knee on the ground. I was so small I was dangling in the air except for my stomach which was pushed into her knee. I could not breathe. I had no clothes on. She hit me over and over an over and over and over. It went on forever. I was so tiny yet I remember thinking "If you just wait long enough, it will stop." I was a tiny little girl. She did this because I had gone onto the veranda with my coat on but no pants. Who do you think dressed me at that time? I sometimes look at little children and just start to cry. HOW could anyone hurt them and in such a vile manner.



She told me war stories from when I was very little about torture and all the gory details. She had never been in a war. She told me too about how people boiled little children alive and many other horrible things.

I remember my father bashing my brothers. That was terrible and traumatized me beyond measure. I remember him yelling at them to get onto their beds "Stick your arses up in the air". That statement went over and over and over in my mind all my life. I then heard the whistling of his belt and it connecting with bare skin over and over. They were just little children. The horror of this memory is worse than all the other. I too had beltings from my father which left welts all over me but the memories of my brothers is the worst of all. The terrible terrible helplessness, the longing to be able to stop it and I couldn't. My mother listened to it too and smiled. It's true. It's absolutely true. I was very small at this time. We had arm chairs with big arms and I was not as tall as the top of the arms. I was desperate to help. But I couldn't.

My father used to say to her "You're never happy unless someone is crying." He did have a heart at some level but not my mother. I am unaware of any cruelty she went through as a child and I don't believe there was any. She used to tell us stories of horrible things she'd done to people and she always laughed. She got excited at other people's pain. I remember when my father got cancer and we were at the hospital. He was in agony. She loved it. Quietly.

I went walking on the beach with my brother on my 7th birthday. I got a hiding as they used to call it - a horrible term. My mother reminding me for years after that "What did you get for your 7th birthday Abby."

She abused me through other people too telling them what a horrible person I was.

I tried for decades to be good enough but everything was turned against me. She would even use my goodness against me. She told me that my father's friends who I'd visited and got on well with, that the wife's mother had died. She had been living with them when I had visited. She told me I should write a card saying I was sorry, etc. I did. I then found out that it wasn't true. A few things happened like this.

I know it seems impossible to believe but I am an intelligent person and it took me decades and decades to fully comprehend what she would do to me. There was only once I can remember that she didn't say something to me that wounded me to the bone. When I was still living with her I only remember one kind thing that she said to me. I had broken up with a friend and she asked how he was. I said we'd broken up and she said "Oh did you?" That was it. In retrospect she probably put some kind of spell on the situation and destroyed it. She was into occult stuff and she would and has destroyed every relationship she could where I was concerned including the whole family.

I had a bad head injury when I was young and I hated people touching my head so she used to hit me across the head all the time. So did my brothers. They used to give me knuckle busters on the head.

I seem to get abused a lot. I'm slowly learning how to look after myself. I wasn't allowed to wash my hair or my body that much and my mother told me everything that was bad for me. I was little and was terribly constipated. I always was as a child. I went once a week and I thought that was normal. One day I was in terrible pain because of this and she cut a piece of that hard old yellow soap and told me to stick it into my bottom because it would make it slippery. I tried but of course I just hurt myself. I didn't know any better. She told me to scrub myself with soap on my vagina. I am allergic to soap and more than likely she is and knew it. I was in agony.

I left almost two years ago (meaning I won't visit her again).

A few years ago I was diagnosed with PTSD. There were so many incidents. If I had any trouble or anxiety she would laugh and call attention to it and tell me I was insane. She told me I was mad every day.

I cannot say I'm angry although I am sometimes of course. It's just a feeling still of shock, of utter shock at how anyone could do this. The horribleness is beyond belief, beyond words. I tried to talk to her once about some things she did that hurt me and she peered at me and said "Abby. You're sick."

She would arrange things so I would be left out of anything remotely pleasurable.

I have little round scars all over me. One time I went to a doctor and he said "What are these scars all over you?" and I said, 'Oh, they're chicken pox marks, I had them when I was a baby.' He was very quiet and then asked "Who told you that?" I didn't click at the time but later I went to a skin specialist and asked him what they were. He said they were certainly not chicken pox marks and had been caused by some kind of trauma. I have a friend now who is in police forensics and he looked at the scars and said that they are, without a doubt, cigarette burns.

When I write these things I wonder how I've got through life - it has been difficult. The most familiar emotion to me is grief.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Abby. Thank you for writing your story on this site. I have the utmost respect for you, having survived this type of chronic, persistent soul-shattering abuse throughout your childhood. And you have survived. You write well, and I'm sure you do a lot of things well. Your survival and level of functioning are testimony to the strength and integrity of your spirit.

Consider this, which I believe to be true: While you were definitely wounded at a very deep level by the horrific abuse you experienced and witnessed, there was and remains a part of you that was untouched by that. That is your pure spirit, which cannot be destroyed by this world. If you believe in this, go to that place inside and find some peace there during your healing. I believe that is also where healing comes from.

I'm glad you have separated yourself from your mother. You are your top priority now, and you can provide the care, tenderness and nurturing for yourself that you needed and never got as a child. To help with that, you might want to learn about healing your inner child.

Also, if it feels right to you, try some of the imagery techniques you will find on the page entitled, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

I wish you all the best in your continued healing and recovery. Appreciate yourself. Recognize your strengths. Be the loving friend to you that you always wanted.

My best,

Dr. DeFoore



Comments for A Walk Through Hell

Average Rating starstarstarstarstar

Click here to add your own comments

Mar 11, 2015
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Unexpected Spiritual Healing
by: Anonymous

Dear Dr DeFoore

Writing my story and having you comment on it was very helpful. This site is an awesome resource. I just thought I would update my story with something that happened that was truly extraordinary to me.

My Mum died last year. She never stopped abusing me as much as she could and doing it by proxy as well.

She painted me as the worst possible human being, all her life, which just is not true. In fact I have tried with all my being to be the opposite, to be 'good', to be okay. I can see how all that develops now.

Anyway, when my mother died, I had said to God that I did not want her ever to be able to come near me in the afterlife. But when she died I forgave her (again) and released her.

With grief I asked God to undo that my prayer that she could not come to me and on the 13th after she died, she did come to me. She came once in a dream and once when I was awake.

The dream happened first and it was the most wonderful thing. She was young and very happy and free, completely free. The thought of her 'loving' me when she was alive was truly horrible. However when she came to me in the dream she came with completely healed love. She took me into the spiritual world and showed me what she was doing and where she lived. It was detailed and wonderful. She was SO happy.

She also came to me once when I was awake. I was suddenly very aware of her and again, she came with such healed, healing and powerful love I was absolutely blown away.

Whenever I think of her now, I can't grieve or think about the past or worry about her in any way. She is just happy and all the terrible darkness, and depression and anxiety and craziness and pain that she lived with has gone.

However she left a legacy in that three members of my family continue to abuse me. I realise now that she may well have told everyone that I was the worst of the worst so that I would never be believed i.e. with respect to the horrendous abuse I went through.

Whatever made her sadistic and insane, must have been in her body because after she passed over, she was completely healed and so, to a large extent, am I. I never expected this in a hundred million years.

From Dr. DeFoore

Thank you so much for sharing this beautiful, touching account of your healing. I am so deeply happy for you, that you have found healing in your relationship with your mother, and that you had such a beautiful spiritual experience in the process.

Bless you.

Dr. DeFoore

Mar 17, 2013
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Digging still deeper
by: Abby

I believe now that my mother also drugged me with something. She oddly would give me a little bit of orange juice at night. Noone else had it. I never questioned it and she never did anything nice for me so this didn't make sense. I realise now that this was not nice either and that it was my mother who was entirely responsible for the panic attacks I had. There was something in this orange juice because my experience of falling asleep as a child was terrifying. There was blackness and swirling and flashing lights and spinning and a feeling of going down, down down. It was a horrible experience. It's strange how long it takes for each little bit of horror to come up to be healed. Going to sleep is a sweet experience, not horrible. She drugged me, with something horrible that led to further suffering and panic attacks. I am extremely sensitive to all chemicals and medication.

Aug 19, 2009
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Response
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi Abby

I don't doubt anything you have said, or anything you have experienced. I have known others who have had similar experiences.

This is a vast and amazingly complex universe we live in, and in the realm of human experience, virtually everything exists. We each have to choose what we are going to focus on, and that choice is very important.

It sounds to me like you are growing to trust yourself and your experience, and that is good. Keep your focus on love and light and goodness, as you allow yourself to see into these other realms.

Trust yourself, trust in God (as you know your deity), believe in your goodness and you are free to see into the mystery without being harmed in any way.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Aug 18, 2009
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Dr DeFoore would you comment please?
by: Abby

No one ever commented on my last comment. It is so weird that I'm wondering if you can explain it at all. Both my younger brother and I are spiritually sensitive I've actually been able to prove what I pick up a lot. Any ideas?

Apr 10, 2009
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Vicious Attack
by: Abby

I will read your other story Rose and I'll get the book. I haven't done it yet but I will.

I'm going to tell you something weird.

I am a spiritual sensitive and so is one of my brothers. I read in recent times how this kind of sensitivity can develop in children who are abused because, sensing the mood of someone else, can literally mean life or death...or close to it. True.

However, when I gave myself to God 28 years ago or so I received something...that made it so much more powerful. Although I always had a mind for God from when I was very little.

Anyway, when I was still at home with my mother, at night, something horrible use to happen. It was associated with that house and not me but I didn't know that at the time. I realized it was the house because, when I left and then visited, the difference was amazing. This horrible thing would happen and I would feel crazy....and then I would leave the house and I was normal again.

I somehow, somehow, somehow managed to share this with my sensitive brother and he confirmed that the same thing happened to him. This is weird ok. I stopped staying there after I realized it was connected. I have left my mother altogether now thank God. Anyway, you would go to sleep feeling peaceful and nothing out of the ordinary and then some time later be woken up with this spirit of insanity attacking you viciously. That's the only way I can describe it. I learned to fight spiritually, like binding things, etc. and you would fight this vicious attacking spirit for half an hour with everything you could throw at it before it would even start to move. It was terrifying.

Once, I was staying with this spiritual (but not Christian) guy and I refused to sleep with him. He was in the next room and I felt a spiritual attack from him so I went next door and there he was concentrating hard. I confronted him and he said that he was attacking me in the spirit. I have been able to check my 'insights' a good few times and I know that what my spirit picks up is 100% accurate. So one night, I felt this attack at my mother's house and I went into her room to see if it was coming from her and if it was a conscious effort on her part. However she was asleep. It was so real I was surprised to see her asleep and the conclusion I came to eventually was that it may well have been an evil spirit that came out of her when she was asleep. I somehow managed to share this with my brother and he confirmed the exact same experience and we compared notes and we both said it was the strongest thing we had ever felt, you had to fight it and fight it and fight it with spiritual weapons and it took forever before it would go.


Apr 09, 2009
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Bill DeFoore's Anger Book
by: Rose Waddell

Abby,

So glad to hear that you're getting Bill DeFoore's anger book. There's an affirmation recording that comes with it and that helped me a lot too. Just remember that when you are punching pillows or doing some of the other anger releasing methods, it's so OK to feel that anger. I wrote a story about doing anger releasing. I think I called it, "Anger Releasing and my Health". If you want to, maybe you could read that one. I was afraid to punch the pillow at first. My husband decided to pray to God to help him to punch the pillow and get anger out, and that worked for him. I tried praying to God to help me, and then I could finally punch the pillow. I needed all of the help I could get.

Your mother was sadistic, like my mother. It's so hard to feel that I deserve love from others. I have accepted the fact that my mother is not capable of loving me and I don't expect it anymore from her. It still hurts me though.

I'm getting better about accepted love from others, but it's still easier for me to love others than to accept love for myself. I'm working on it.

Take care of yourself Abby, and thanks so much for being so much support for me.

Rose




Apr 04, 2009
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Thanks
by: Abby

Wow Rose, your story is awesome. Thank you for sharing it and for your validation. I am a very caring person. I think PTSD is about caring for everyone. I can give easily and generously. I love easily and generously. I find it very hard to take anything though.

I am going to get Dr De Foore's book and do the anger work. I have had lots of problems throughout life. I was obsessive compulsive as a kid always washing my hands. I heard my father say to my mother that there was something wrong with me so I stopped doing it. Then I had terrible depression and panic attacks and later agoraphobia. I limp through life in a way. It takes such a long time to look at things and to know that it wasn't normal and that I was severely abused. You don't know as a child. As I said I often look at little children and want to cry and I think "HOW could anyone hurt them?". I also still cannot hear children cry - it disturbs me so deeply. Deeper than I can express. It reminds me of when I was little and it absolutely kills me.

Thank you again for sharing. I went to an ALANON meeting once and talked and I said "I feel safe here. I feel like I'm with other children." People didn't understand it but as I was driving home it came back to me as a sort of revelation "I'm only safe with other children." I've been working on myself and I have passed from that state now I think. I am watching myself becoming aware and accepting of how I am - I believe I'm healing but I live in the pain a lot, I guess I'm processing it now. I often think though, "I will never, ever get over it." To leave my mother completely took a long long time, but she abused me every single time. I do remember once when I didn't feel any pain after visiting her but only once. Mostly I was exactly like you. My mother used my father and now uses my step brother to abuse me too and anyone else she can get on her side. I heard it's called 'abusing by proxy'. When Dad was alive, I used to cry for 3 hours before I started the journey. A girlfriend saw what they did to me once, I was just destroyed and she said "Why on earth don't you just leave them and never go back." It was incomprehensible at the time but now I've done it, it is so good. If my mother suffers in her old age it is not my fault. I did everything, EVERYTHING I could, I really did. I just couldn't take it any more.

Apr 03, 2009
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Cruel Mothers
by: Anonymous

I also had a very cruel mother. She used to smile whenever I was hurt, as if she got pleasure from watching me suffer.

When I grew up and started to work through my childhood pain, I realized that I not only had my own rage, I carried a lot of my mother's rage within me too.

Years ago my husband Wayne and I read Bill DeFoore's book and we decided to start punching pillows to get some anger out.

The first time I punched pillows about my mother, I was mortified at how much intense rage came out of me. My husband sat there wide eyed watching me. He kept saying, "Keep going, you're doing good." I could tell by his face though that he was shocked at what was coming out of me.

Wayne and I punched pillows and got our anger out for three years straight. We would take turns so that we could support each other. We punched those pillows every night. (Never try this with a feather pillow). At that time we lived in our own home and didn't have neighbors right next to us like in an apartment though.

Before I started to punch pillows and do the anger exercises in Bill DeFoore's book, I was severely depressed. There were times that I had to force myself to get up in the morning and face another day. I felt so bad that I wondered why my heart kept beating.

I still have some pain and hurt feelings about how my mother treated me when I was growing up now, but not as much as I had before. I still cry for a very long time every time I write a story about my past on this blog site, but I'm not nearly as bad off as I was before I punched the heck out of pillows.

During my lifetime I have had quite a few people tell me that I should call my mother or go to see her more. I am 54 years old now and I still end up feeling like a tortured little child whenever I am around my mother. I don't see her often, but when I do, it takes me weeks to recover from it. She acts like she doesn't know what my problem is.

I see no reason for me to continue to be abused by my mother now, so I do not go to see her often. I think it's OK to do that. There is no need to be re-abused now. If my mother did not currently emotionally abuse me, it would be different. When a mother will not try to stop abusing her child, she has to live with the fact that that child may not have the strength to want to see her anymore.

No one can ever completely destroy who you are. There is something inside of you that will rise up and continue to heal over and over again. There's no keeping that down.

Some people may not be able to care because of things going on in their lives, but a lot of people will sense your story and your pain in the future and they will care. You just have to work on trying to be open to caring. That's not easy to do, I know, but it can happen.

I'm so proud to have been one of the people to read your story,

Rose

Apr 01, 2009
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Thanks
by: Anonymous

Thank you so much for your comments and kindness William. You made me cry. It's something you never get as an abused child - any kind of validation. I guess it sticks. I have done a lot of work on myself. I've noticed that owning the abuse and the disfunction that comes from it takes a long, long time. I will certainly take your kind advice. Thank you so much.

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to PTSD page.