8 Steps To Healthy Anger
What Is It and Why Is It Invisible?

The Healing Anger Newsletter brings you a refreshing, helpful and upbeat approach to anger management and how it can work for you in every aspect of your life. Here is your chance to keep up with my (Dr. DeFoore here) latest discoveries and insights on anger management and how you can heal the anger in yourself, your family, your school and your workplace.

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(Enter date) Healing Anger Newsletter, Issue #001

Contents of this newsletter

• How could anger be healthy when it just seems bad?
• Healthy anger is invisible!
• Healthy anger fuels effective action!
• Some examples of healthy anger from everyday life...
• 8 Steps to Healthy Anger
• The Healthy Anger and Your Health CD program will teach you how your anger affects your health and what you can do about it!

You've learned all of your life that anger is bad. When anger shows up, somebody usually gets hurt or just ends up feeling bad. How could that be healthy? When anger is healthy, it doesn't even look, sound or feel like anger in the way you've known it. As a matter of fact, one of the reasons anger seems bad to you is that...

That's right--when anger is healthy it seems like somebody's just taking care of business or getting the job done. They don't seem angry at all! Healthy anger works hand in hand with love, compassion, motivation and determination. It's not necessarily loud or aggressive, and it most definitely is not violent!

For example, have you ever gotten mad, and then got busy and solved the problem that was causing your anger--without yelling, cussing or attacking anyone? That's healthy anger!

I got angry when I saw how most people were trying to make anger "the bad guy" and just trying to get rid of it. A lot of people have been hurt because of efforts to stifle or eliminate anger. I saw that this approach wasn't working, so I got busy writing books, doing workshops and creating web sites to teach folks that anger is healthy--you just need to learn what to do with it!

What about Mothers Against Drunk Drivers? Do you think those mothers were mad when their son or daughter was killed by a drunk driver? You bet they were! So they got busy, and formed an organization that has influenced laws and made our roads safer for everyone. The acronym for their group may be M.A.D.D. but they don't look all that mad as they pay their bills, make their phone calls and type out those letters on their computers. Again, healthy anger is invisible.

The best definition I've found of the word "anger" is, "A feeling one has toward something that threatens or opposes."

Anger comes from fear and pain--it is a protective emotion.

• You're a mother who goes to your child's school to talk to teachers and administrators about your son being bullied by other children. Learn about preventing school violence here.
• You're fed up with government and how your country is being run, so you get involved in campaigning for the candidate of your choice to bring about the change you want.
• You're on the highway and someone is tailgating you. you don't like it, you feel threatened, and you feel angry. Because you're smart and healthy, you simply slow down and get out of the person's way as soon as possible. Slowing down reduces the chance of accident and injury, and getting out of the tailgater's way solves your problem. Learn about dealing with road rage (your own or others') here.
• You're dating someone and they are consistently late to all of your engagements. You feel disrespected and angry. You simply tell your date, "This just isn't working for me. I've enjoyed knowing you, but I'm looking for something different in a relationship." No more specifics need to be given, unless the situation demands it. If you feel inclined, you might say, "I prefer to spend time with people who show up pretty close to when they said they would. I just like it better that way." Get more information about dealing with anger in relationships.
• The grocery store where you shop is consistently dirty, and the service is bad. A couple of examples of healthy anger would be:
• Just go to a different store.
• Talk to the manager, saying something like, "I really like shopping at your store. I would like it even better if it were clean and if the service was better. I just thought you might want to know that as a manager. If you think it would be helpful, I can tell you the problems I've had so that you have some specifics to work with."
• You are afraid of getting old. You are angry that your body is changing and doesn't look or feel like it used to. You channel your healthy anger into regular exercise, healthy eating and a positive attitude about life and aging.

No one watching any of the above situations would think you're angry. There are people all around us all of the time using healthy anger to fuel positive, effective action. But no one notices, because it is quiet, calm, focused and effective.

1. Recognize that anger is a healthy, natural emotion, which you have never learned to understand, heal and express in healthy ways
2. Find the stories of pain, sorrow fear that caused your anger
3. Write these stories, tell them to a counselor or a trusted friend
4. Use guided imagery techniques to heal your emotions and eliminate the underlying cause of your old, unresolved anger
5. Identify the old, self-defeating beliefs that came from these past painful experiences, and replace them with new, positive beliefs about yourself and your world
6. List the old, unhealthy behaviors that came from these old beliefs and make a list of the new behaviors you want to acquire and learn
7. Make a list of the people you have hurt with your anger, write letters (you many never send) to them in which you apologize, ask forgiveness and take full responsibility for your part of the problem--with responsibility comes freedom!
8. Learn about healthy anger and begin developing the skills to express all of your emotions--including anger in healthy ways

Did you know that healthy anger is good for your physical health? It is also true that unhealthy anger is harmful to your health.

Toxic anger and hostility raise the level of homocysteine, a protein found to be harmful to heart function. The Institute of HeartMath has also found that the human heart functions better when we're expressing appreciation than when we're expressing frustration (a mild form of anger).

Listen to this free preview of the CD program entitled, Healthy Anger And Your Health: Using Healthy Emotions To Heal Your Body.

Comments? Ideas? Feedback? I'd love to hear from you. Just reply to this zine and tell me what you think! If you have ideas for future Healing Anger Newsletter issues, I'm open to considering them. Here is your opportunity to get involved--I might even include your comments, story or link in a future issue of this ezine.

Thanks for being here!

William G. DeFoore