The Healing Anger Newsletter (skip to where the new issue starts) brings you a refreshing, helpful and upbeat approach to anger management and how it can work for you in every aspect of your life. Here is your chance to keep up with my (Dr. DeFoore here) latest discoveries and insights on anger management and how you can heal the anger in yourself, your family, your school and your workplace. If you like this ezine, please do a friend and me a big favor and "pay it forward" by forwarding it to them. If a friend did forward this to you and if you like what you read, please subscribe by visiting the Healing Anger Newsletter subscription page. This newsletter and the web site, AngerManagementResource.com were built and are maintained through a program called SiteBuildIt!, which is now offered as an eLearning course you can take from home! It's the best way I know of to deal with the economic stress that so many are facing right now. Find out how you can start your own successful Internet business by watching these great videos about why so many people love SiteBuildIt! Would you like to lend a helping hand? If you have purchased a book, CD or audio download, I would very much like to hear what you thought of your product! With your permission, I will publish your comments, with your name, on my web site to help other visitors like yourself learn more about the products. This would be a big help! Oh! By the way, did you get your free E-book? If so, after you've had a chance to read it and try some of the Anger Management Techniques, write to me and let me know what you think! May 1, 2009 Healing Anger Newsletter, Issue #012 Contents of this newsletter What's happening on AngerManagementResource.com? What Exactly Is Empathy? How Does Empathy Help With Anger? How Do I Improve My Empathy Skills? The US Factor: How To Create Fantastic Relationships

What's happening on the web site? Mostly new stories from you, our visitors--check them out! New stories by site visitors like you--There are 28 new pages on the site since the last newsletter, each one a story or question contributed by site visitors. Check out some of the latest contributions right here. I announced this page last month, but I'm so excited about it I wanted to announce it again! All of the products we offer can now be found on one page! Books, CDs (or audio downloads), HeartMath books, the emWave and Legacy Publishing's The Total Transformation® program and US: A Program For Couples. One of the most recent stories submitted is This Site Has Helped Me As A Mother. This woman tells of her healing journey, and how she's taking charge of her anger and becoming a better mother. This is her second story, and she wrote this one after reading all of the help she got in response to her first contribution. Ever had problems with neighbors? Here's a great story about a family's challenge with this problem, called Dealing With Neighbors. Check it out, and leave your own comment if you like! What Exactly Is Empathy? The dictionary definition is, "Empathy: Identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings, and motives." It is the process of "putting yourself in the other person's shoes" and "seeing things from their viewpoint." Empathy means being "big" enough and healthy enough to step outside yourself for a moment and consider another's feelings and perceptions. Empathy is not: Sympathy--empathy and sympathy often get mixed up. Sympathy is feeling sorry for someone, which can be very unhealthy especially if it's overdone. Empathy is always healthy, and doesn't make you feel bad. Sympathy sometimes involves looking down on someone, and empathy is always respectful. Agreement--one of the reasons people sometimes resist empathy is because they think it is the same thing as agreeing. For example, a friend tells you that something really bad is going to happen. You hear their explanation of why, then you show empathy with a statement like, "If I look at this from your viewpoint, I can see how you would feel like you do." Contrast that with, "I agree with what you're saying." Those are very different statements. Support--you can empathize with someone and not support what they're saying or doing at all. That is a big part of the power of empathy--it gives you a way of connecting with people when you don't like their actions. Forgiveness--just because you can see things from their viewpoint doesn't mean you forgive them. It just means that you value the connection, and want to keep the lines of communication open. Empathy is a key to maintaining connection with someone when you are in conflict or can't agree. It is therefore essential to the health of any intimate relationship. How Does Empathy Help With Anger? Unhealthy anger by itself separates you from others, and empathy connects you. That's it in a nutshell. Besides that, did you know that you can have empathy for someone even when they're angry at you? As a matter of fact, that's the best possible thing you can do when either of you are angry. As soon as you express empathy for someone, I guarantee you that their anger will begin to subside, and likewise for you when you're the one who's angry. When you're angry, the main thing you want is to be heard and understood, and that's what empathy provides. So empathy is like a "bridge over troubled waters," giving you a way of connecting with people you care about, even when anger is present. Oh, and by the way...anger without empathy is the basis for all abuse. If you get angry at someone and have no empathy for their feelings or viewpoint, you can justify anything you want to do to them. Not a good thing. Empathy is not a luxury, it's a necessity! How Do I Improve My Empathy Skills? Here are the basic empathy skills that will help you to avoid conflict and improve your relationships: First, let's look at nonverbal components, which are actually more important than what you say: Eye contact is essential--empathy is impossible without it. Soft eyes--just try this with your imagination. Try right now softening your eyes, and you will feel a slight difference. The other person will feel the difference too. Relax your face muscles, and try to show an open-minded expression--not a big smile or frown, just kind of neutral. Relax your body as much as possible, and breathe deeply into your belly. Use an open posture--put your arms beside you, not crossed. Also uncross your legs if that is comfortable for you. You can lean forward toward the other person, but you don't want to overdo that, because it can feel intrusive. When you speak, use a soft tone, showing that you are not entirely sure about what you're saying--this is because you will be telling the other person what you think they're feeling, and you could very well be wrong. Only speak when the other person has paused and seems ready for you to say something. If you interrupt, the empathy will be "out the window." Learn more about nonverbal communication on this page devoted entirely to the topic. Sacred Roles In Marriage Now let's look at what you say to show empathy: Reflective listening is a key component of empathy. If you don't repeat back what you've heard the other person saying, there is no way they will know for sure that you've heard them. Learn more on this page. The words you use are, "What I hear you saying is..." "If I'm hearing you right, you're saying..." or "Let me see if I'm getting this right. What you're saying is..." Then, when you speak, try to use their words as much as possible, avoiding interpretation or "putting your spin" on what they've said. If you can't do this without judging the other person, don't even try--because it won't work. After you have reflected what they've said, say "When I put myself in your shoes, I can see how you would feel that way," "When I look at this from your viewpoint, I might feel the same way," or "I can really see why you would feel (mad, sad, scared, frustrated, etc.) when I look at this from your perspective." Then go on to express validation, understanding and support, with words like, "I think I can see where you’re coming from," or "I see what you mean." Express appreciation for your partner’s openness, with words like, "I appreciate you telling me how you feel" and "Thanks for being open with me." Avoid saying "I know how you feel." You probably don't, since the feelings are so personal, and besides--that statement is usually rejected when it's used. Having said these things, do not go to your own thoughts and feelings right away. Allow time and space for the other person's feelings, and see if they have anything else to say. Then, only speak your feelings and viewpoint if you strongly feel they will be open to what you say. Most of the time, it's best to just wait until another time to bring your feelings in. In many ways, you might say that empathy is love. It certainly involves respect and acceptance, which are major components of love. If you're feeling angry and frustrated, you probably won't be successful at showing empathy. Try to get calm and into a good feeling place before you try empathy skills. Inside, you're a good person who wants to help. Tune into that part of you, and the empathy will flow more smoothly. If your focus is marriage or intimate relationship, check out Sacred Roles In Marriage: Keys To Creating Fantastic Relationships and Expectations In Marriage: Healthy Ways To Deal With Disappointment And Anger In Loving Relationships. And, if you want to learn excellent conflict resolution skills, you will find that information right here. Better Relationships And Stress Management I am very impressed with The Us Factor and the work of Dr. Joe Melnick. When you go to this page you will find videos of couples talking about the progress they have made with The Us Factor. Dr. Melnick will teach you how to argue without destroying your marriage! If after reading this ezine you feel that you cannot get calm enough to show empathy, you might want to learn some good stress management techniques. The best way I know how to go about doing that is with the EmWave Personal Stress Reducer. This great little device is excellent for teaching you how to relax, reduce stress, and bring your heart rhythms into alignment with your breathing. It is a highly sophisticated piece of equipment that is very easy to use. My wife and I both have one, and we use them a couple of times a day. The company offers a 30 day money-back guarantee which really amounts to a 30 day free trial! Watch the video on this page to learn more! You can also become an affiliate of HeartMath and sell the EmWave and their other wonderful products yourself for a 15% commission! Get started now at no cost at all. Next Issue Anger, Love and Forgiveness The "Big Three" In Successful Anger Management

Let me hear from you! Comments? Ideas? Feedback? I'd love to hear from you. Just reply to this ezine and tell me what you think! If you have ideas for future Healing Anger Newsletter issues, I'm open to considering them. Here is your opportunity to get involved--I might even include your comments, story or link in a future issue of this ezine. Also, as I mentioned above I would very much like your testimonial or endorsement if you have purchased a product--or if you downloaded our free E-book! Don't forget! We want to hear your story, and when you submit it you get your own web page on the site! Take a look at the categories you can write in now. It's easy! Thanks for being here! William G. DeFoore